Love me
by Haruka-Chan 212
Summary: Feelings have been there the whole time...what if...Please read & review...Chapter 3 up!
1. Chapter 1

Summer: Feelings have been there the whole time...what if...

A/N: I think this has been tugging at my heart for a while now. I just never actually had the courage to write it. Well...here it is. Let me warn you though I don't know how fast it'll be updated. Also...all flashbacks in this story are actual events, until maybe more toward the end...but for now, they're all real.

Dedication:

Dear Michi,

You know who you are. You've already read each of my other stories, I hope you'll find time in your busy life to read this one as well. I don't know if the feelings are there or not, but I just know how I feel. You always called me YOUR Ruka, and you always said you were my Michi. I never really looked that far into it, now I am...I hope you enjoy this. This is for you...

Love forever,

Your Ruka

Love Me

Chapter 1

Ever since I could remember those feelings have been there. I just recently went through a break up. Over three years with the same person. Three years. That's a long time. But not as long as I've known her.

Ever since grade school I've known her. She's always been there for me. Even when I nearly ended my own life.

"_What are you doing Ruka?" I had been caught. I was sitting in the back of my math class when she came in to get a book she had forgotten._

_I quickly tossed my razor into my desk and turned my wrist away from her view._

"_Nothing..." I trailed off and looked at her with saddened eyes._

_She frowned at me before starting to walk away. I knew I couldn't trust myself with the razor. I dug it out before calling her back to me._

I gave her the blade that day. I felt like I was giving her my own soul. I think that's what I did do that day. I gave her my existence that day in that classroom. I've had a few relapses since then, but nothing as bad as what I was doing to myself.

_The car ride after school was filled with the usual laughter and chat about our days. It was the only time we found we could spend any time together anymore. I was going to a different school then. It was a technical high school._

_I looked at her to bid her farewell for the evening. She smiled at me, gave me her usual hug. And then it happened. Instead of pulling right away and climbing from the vehicle, her eyes met mine and she kissed me._

I was just 16 at the time. It was my first kiss. My very first kiss came from the one person who helped me to realize my feelings toward women.

I sigh as I sit here and think of what could have been. We've always been such great friends...except for our 7th grade year. I never did find out why though...

_I was so excited to get back to school, not so much for my studies, but to catch up with the one person I thought was my best friend. I hunted all through that school for her that day. Until I finally found her at her locker. I smiled and almost ran up to her to hug her. But she didn't accept it. She only glared at me and walked by, not a word said._

_At that moment I almost started crying, but I knew I couldn't, I couldn't do that, not in school...not in front of everybody._

_I wrote her a letter one day, just to see if I could find out why she wouldn't talk to me. She did return the message, but it wasn't what I had hoped to hear. In the letter she called me a freak...and that I just needed to leave her alone, that she said I was right, I don't have any friends, and she wasn't going to be the one strange person to accept me for me._

I never did tell her...that same day was the first time I'd hurt myself. After I read her letter I let my head slam into the wall outside of my English class. She was right, I didn't have any friends. I just had a few acquaintances, mainly people I could sit down with at lunch. I try to shake my head clear of those thoughts. I went through torture that year in school.

_Choir...it was either this or band, and I really didn't want to march around in the heat with a heavy instrument. I always sat right next to you...until that day. I had my journal with me, I don't know what possessed me to bring it from my home. You saw it that day in class...You took it from me. I don't think I'll ever forget you and your group of friends flipping through it, laughing at me, telling me that I'd never have a chance with anybody mentioned in there._

I don't want to break her heart, I never wanted to tell her...that year in school, that was the year I started to hurt myself. I remember losing my hearing for a day after taking a handful of aspirin. Maybe she remembers me talking to the choir teacher, asking to be excused because of that. No...I didn't have an ear infection, I was scared to death because of what I'd done. And who would have thought...the same person who started all of my problems...was the same person to end them 4 years later.

Even now through all the good and few bad times, I long just to hear her voice, her laughter...to have her body pressed to mine in a hug.

But I fear that will never happen. She's off with another, who she's very much in love with. At least I think she is...

I'm Haruka Tenou...I'm 23 years old now...The girl I'm speaking of is Michiru Kaiou...

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I know this was a fairly short chapter...I can't promise any better next time around...as I said...all flashbacks (the italic parts) are true events that actually happened between her and I...Please don't forget to review...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: The flashbacks are still real...even though they may not all contain Michiru, they're still real...Very very little has been changed, such in the last chapter, it wasn't my journal that was taken, it was a notebook that had a story in it...but obviously I couldn't say it was a fanfiction notebook, wouldn't make sense lol.

And just look at this, third update in the same day...enjoy

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Love Me

Chapter 2

"_Haruka, I can't do this anymore. I can't handle you anymore. I can't handle this...this constant fighting with you. I just can't live like this anymore." Kura stood up from the bed, grabbing her phone as she made her way to the closet to dig out a backpack._

"_What did I do? Kura, please don't leave me." But she was already pulling things out of the dresser. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't hold back. I simply turned toward the door and lashed out. So close...I was so close to putting my fist completely through it._

I couldn't call her back, her sister had already been on her way by then. My hand still has some bruising and a slight scab from where my knuckle burst open. They all leave me at some point in time. They all have...Even my so-called friends. They say they're my friend, but I swear if I don't start a conversation with them, they'd never talk to me.

I tried that a few times, just seeing how long it would take them to message me online, or call me, or anything. Most of them never did. I realized then that they never were my friends to begin with.

She's the only one to take the initiative to call me first. The only one...

"_Haruka..." I hear my mother yell from downstairs. "You've got a phonecall." I practically ran down the steps to grab the phone from her. "It's almost 11pm, make it fast." She glared at me before handing over the cordless._

"_Hello?" I made my way back up to my room._

"_Hey Ruka." She sounded just as cheerful as ever._

I smiled every single time I heard her voice, even before I realized I was gay. We always found it so easy to spend all night talking on the phone. Even just to talk about nothing. Several times we spoke we had to cut it short simply because one of our phones died. I chuckle, but it's a sad chuckle. I've felt so alone for a very long time. Even spending all those years with Kura, I was alone. I had company, but I didn't feel it in my heart, I haven't felt it in my heart with her for a long time.

_I don't know what I was thinking. I'm engaged to Kura and yet I feel so very confused. Why am I here, at Michiru's house...with her...alone._

"_Are you OK?" She looked at me as she sat on the sofa beside me._

_I felt a lump start in my throat. Was I really going to do it? My heart started to race, my palms became sweaty...she's not stopping me from getting closer to her. "I'm fine..." I tried to look at her, but I was too shy. She gave me one of those reassuring smiles and that's all I needed. I found myself leaning in to capture her lips. I...was kissing my best friend, and she didn't stop me._

Why didn't she stop me that day? She knew Kura and I were together and that we were engaged to marry. Why didn't she stop me? We shared several kisses that day. Each of them felt so...right. After each kiss she gave me that same smile. I think that smile was only for me. At least that's what it felt like. I never saw her smile like that toward other people.

Why is it so easy to remember everything that's happened in my life with her? Yet, I can barely remember what it felt like to kiss Kura for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I do remember the major events in my relationship with Kura, I just don't remember what it felt like. I don't know if it felt right, or if it felt like it was being forced...I knew after a while it wasn't forced, that it did feel right. But at first I was unsure. I felt as if I couldn't fully relax around Kura like I could with Michiru.

_Roller skating, I can't believe she talked me into roller skating. And I can't believe my mom actually let me come out and gave me money for snacks. It was the first time I had been to a roller rink. _

"_Come skate with me!" Michiru grabbed my hand. I felt my whole body tense up as she pulled me out for 'couple's skate.' I could barely skate and yet she insisted on taking me out with all those other people. _

"_Michi you know I'm not any good."_

"_It'll be fun. Just hold me hand." I relaxed so quickly with her. We slowly made our way around the rink, she was patient with me, even after I fell._

I doubt she'd remember any of this. Any of these events. I do though. I remember all of them. We were in middle school then, probably 8th grade. I know it wasn't in 7th, not after what happened that year. That was a very hard year for me. I had kept all of her letters to me. Until that year...I remember sitting at home, in my room crying as I ripped each of them up. I wish I hadn't. I didn't know we would make up by the end of that year. I never did find out why you didn't speak to me, and why you joined them in making fun of me.

That same night before I left. I remember her pulling me into a tight hug and telling me to have a good night. Why do I remember that? That was 10 years ago and I still remember her hugging me for the first time. That hug was the first one I had ever gotten from a friend. There's only a handful of people that I allow to touch me. She was the first one to help me start to relax from touch. I miss her...more then anything


	3. Chapter 3

This is getting more and more painful to write, but I fear if I don't get everything out it's going to drive me crazy.

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Love Me  
Chapter 3

_I know you'll get this whenever the next time is you get online...I'm tired of all of this, of everything...I need to tell you something. The times we kissed...I felt something...something that I'd never felt before, not even with Kura. I know you're with someone now, but...if it doesn't work out. I'd like to maybe give us a shot...Just to see what would happen ya know? Look at all we've been through, nothing will ruin our friendship. Listen, I don't know if you feel the same way as I do, I was reading an old conversation of ours from last January, you told me not to think about the "what ifs". But I can't help but to think about it. I've had feelings for you for a very, VERY long time, you were the one that helped me to realize I was gay, you've been there through the most horrible times in my life. And...I want to try to take that next step...we'd never know unless we tried._

_Yours,_

_Ruka_

What was I about to do? I was about to confess my undying love for a woman whom I was unsure if she felt the same. What if she denies me? Or worse...what if she never speaks to me again. I've told her before I love her, but she always smiled and laughed it off. Telling me she loved me too. I don't think she ever realized that I was serious...

I took a deep breath before hitting the send button. The e-mail was on it's way through cyberspace and there wasn't a damn thing I could do now to get it back. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I wanted it back at that very moment. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. When we just shared that smile, that glance, that hug...Even that occasional brushing of the hands.

"Dammit Haruka...what the fuck are you doing?" I spoke aloud to nobody as I leaned my head back over the edge of my computer chair. I closed my eyes and gripped my hair with both hands. I've never felt so confused before in my life. I've known for a while how I've felt for Michiru. But I never thought I'd actually have a chance with her until now.

_One of those silly chain messages. I laughed as I filled it out and shipped it off to the next person. Michiru was one of the e-mails the message went to. She was the only person who replied to it._

_There were a few of the responses that stuck out to me. It was one of those "would you/will you with me" surveys._

_[_m] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me? _

_[_y] want to kiss me? _

_[_m] want to hook up with me? _

_[_y] been distracted by me? _

_Of course 'y' meaning yes, and 'm' meaning maybe._

I'm looking too far into this. I reached for a tissue as I felt a tear run down my cheek. Why did I find myself unable to delete messages from my e-mail that were so very old. The chain message was from over a year ago. I dug through my inbox, I had messages even older then that in here. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them. I shook my head before standing from my chair and moving to the balcony door.

Oh how it would be so easy to just make all this pain go away for good...to get rid of all my pain. I took in a deep breath as I leaned against the metal banister, looking down at the traffic below. Again I closed my eyes, this pressure from my chest won't release itself. Now I know how Kura felt whenever she said she got a heavy chest...Another deep breath...no luck...

-Beep- I frowned, opening my eyes back up to pull my cell phone from my pocket. I was hopeful that it would have been Michiru. Kura...I flipped open my phone to read the message from her.

'Can we talk?' Was all it said. I bit my bottom lip. How could I face her?

'About what?' Is all I replied with. What else was I suppose to say to her. This woman just ripped my heart into small pieces and she wanted to talk to me.

'Can you come and get me? It'll be easier.'

I clutched my phone tightly in my hand, rested it against my forehead with closed eyes to clear my mind for a moment before replying. 'Yea...give me a few minutes.'

What was I doing? I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. My heart is calling me an idiot for going to see her. But my head says to give it a shot. I had already told her that I wanted to be her friend, regardless. Three and a half years was just too much time to throw away entirely.

"_I know you don't want to hear this Ruka...I care about Suki a lot." I swallowed as I listened to her voice ring through the phone's receiver. Suki was her sister's best friend. She had just moved to the area a month ago. "I care for her so much." I bit my lip as she spoke, it still hurt so much. "I don't know what to do, I'm scared because I'm falling for her so quickly."_

_I quickly threw on a fake smile to hide the hurt in my voice. "If she feels the same for you then she'll come around. Kura you are a wonderful person, and if Suki's smart, she'll give you a chance."_

It tore me apart to hear that she had already fallen for another. Why was I too blind to see it. Why didn't I know she wasn't happy. Why...I'm such an idiot...

I climbed into my car and made my way across town. I knew the conversation was going to be about Suki and what Suki did to her this time. Honestly...I don't know how much more of Suki talk I could handle, it's barely been two weeks since we broke up...

Why was she outside? I felt my heart rip when I saw her sitting on the porch, her head perched in her hands. She was crying...I barely had my car in park and shut off before I flew from the driver's seat to her side. "What happened?"

"She said she can't be with me now..." It was all she was able to spit out before another wave of tears took over her body. It took all I had not to leave her there and go to hang Suki. Even after all that Kura and I had been through, I still looked at her as my best friend. She's always been one of my best friends. "Can I stay with you for the night? I can't be here with her and my sister here..."

I nodded and helped her stand up. She made it quick as I watched her go inside to grab her necessities. It pained me to see her hurting so much, even after all that happened between us...I can't just leave her...

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I barely made it through this chapter...I started writing this and my chest got very very heavy. A hard to breath heavy. I don't know what had happened. Something's telling me that I need to write this, some being is telling me not to stop...I feel it...*sigh* you know the drill...review


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